I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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