Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
