so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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