1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
