Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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