His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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