somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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