Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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