When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
