Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
