Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
