He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
