My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
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Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
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Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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