Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
