you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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