I'm going to rape someone's good day.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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