fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
