you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
