toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
