Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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