If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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