YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
