i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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