My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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