the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
