your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
