if only i could text you this smell
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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