she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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