Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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