I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
