Life is so much better after having sex.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
