theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
