Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize