dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
