no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
