Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
