i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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