remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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