i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize