the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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