I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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