Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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