the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
