I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
