i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
