Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
