I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
