He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
