i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
