Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
