Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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