why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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