Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
