Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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