if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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