Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
