i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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